One Year

I go back to work at Adoption Options tomorrow. It has been one year. That's a really long time to be away from your job. And a long time to have a completely different day-to-day life. But I know I'm so fortunate to have had a year at home. Vyanna has grown into a toddler, Easton was able to stay home for another year as he wanted and I was able to be here when Cassia got home from school.

We traveled to Indiana for Spring Break, so I really only had two days to get ready once we were back. Yesterday I kept thinking about everything that I didn't get done in that year at home that I had wanted to get done. I wanted to organize my "office" better. I wanted to sort through our kids clothes. I wanted to get rid of some things to de-clutter. I didn't really do much of any of that.

I was so caught up in what I DIDN'T do to appreciate what I DID do. Things like changing diapers, feeding a baby, getting someone a snack, stopping for a cuddle in the middle of the day, cleaning up spills, kissing a boo-boo, taking choke-able objects out of Vyanna's mouth, etc. I got to be with my little baby for almost every moment of her first year. Just like I got to do with Cassia and just like I got to do with Easton.

And I realized that all those other things will always be waiting for me, and that's okay. But the important stuff doesn't wait. I either kiss the boo-boo or miss my chance.

The next two months are going to be like that too, I'm sure. As we all adjust, I'm probably not going to get anything done that I would like to clear off my plate. So I'll just try to keep the plate from dropping and breaking while more stuff is piled on. And I'll keep reminding myself that if I still have time to do the more important things, it will be a success.

And I will remind myself to do this:

"Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”

- Dr. Seuss

Vyanna's Birth Story

I never wrote about Vyanna's birth story, so I'll do that now before I don't remember it anymore. I haven't written Cassia's or Easton's either, so I'll do that sometime soon too.

A year ago on March 29, 2012, I had been up all night before with contractions that were steady, then not so much. It was Spring Break and I had "planned" for the baby to be born that first weekend of the break so Ryan could be home for a whole week. Well, it was Thursday and nearing the end of the break, so it seemed to me that this was just not going to happen. The kids were at Grandma and Grandpa Warkentins that day, as they are most Thursdays. So Ryan and I had the day together to get some things done. I was determined that these contractions get moving, so we planned to do things that involved walking all day. We went for a walk in the morning and the decided to go look at living room furniture since we desperately needed some. We had somewhat decided what we wanted, but needed time to go together to make sure. As we were walking around the store the contractions started getting stronger and I just stopped every now and then to breathe through it. We did end up buying furniture that day. I wonder if the salesperson knew I was in labor. :)

Then we decided to go for lunch at Kelsey's and possibly walk around the Forks for awhile. After lunch I decided that contractions were coming faster and maybe we should go to the hospital. Ugh, I was only 2-3 centimeters! We walked stairs for awhile and that moved me to 5 cm. I think it was about 5 p.m., so I figured the baby would be born by midnight for sure. (Nope, she was born just after 1 a.m. the next morning.)

I had a c-section with Cassia and didn't even have one contraction. When I was in labor with Easton I had an epidural at 5 centimeters because I wasn't progressing and they wouldn't let me out of bed since I was considered high risk because of a previous c-section. And, being in bed, I couldn't find a position to cope with the pain. So 5 cm contractions were the strongest contractions I had felt even though I had previously given birth to two children. Well, I didn't want to have an epidural this time since I felt somewhat out of control when Easton was born (couldn't feel how to push at first). I had a doula instead who was very awesome.

Even though I wasn't considered high risk anymore, they still wouldn't let me go in the tub or shower. I was so mad because I thought that would really help with pain management. And the last bed in the fancy rooms was taken by the person admitted before me. So, the labor went on. I'll spare you the details, but I'll just say that contractions really really hurt.

I did finally ask for SOMETHING to help. I was at 8 cm for awhile and they thought it was too late for an epidural since I would probably have the baby very soon. So I got something else - don't even remember what it was now - that only lasted 20 - 30 minutes at a time and, believe me, did NOT take the pain away. In fact, I think it just made me go crazy - or maybe that is just labor itself. But at any rate, I did go crazy. It was not "very soon" that I had the baby, it was more like a couple hours. I felt a lot of pressure and was still only 8 cm, so I about lost it when they said I couldn't push yet. About 10 minutes later, I yelled to them that I was pushing and the doctor better get in here. She was downstairs, so they wanted me to wait. Didn't they do this every day? Seriously, you want me to wait? Nope, I don't care if you are not the doctor, you are a nurse on labor and delivery and are very qualified to catch the baby. The doctor made it just in time, but was not to happy that I wasn't cooperating very well. Guess what, doctor, no matter how much you think I can do something that you want me to do, when a baby is crowning is not the time that I'm going to be "flexible" and listen to your good advice about How Babies Are Born. And guess what else, the baby came out how I did it anyway. Sorry that I almost kicked you in the head... well, just a little sorry. Ryan says he didn't think I went crazy, bless his heart.

There is this picture of me holding Vyanna for the first time. It is the most horrible picture of myself that I have ever seen. It might have been when I was saying to Ryan, "I am NOT doing THAT ever again!" But I meant that if I ever had a baby again (which is not the plan, by the way), I was getting an epidural. It didn't mean that Vyanna wasn't worth all that - because she is worth much more. I could rose-color it and say that I am glad that I didn't have an epidural, that it made me feel empowered, that it made me feel like a strong woman. But none of that is actually true. It was actually the opposite of all of those things. But it IS kind of interesting that I had three VERY different birth stories.

And in the end, I have three VERY wonderful blessings. It doesn't matter how easy, how hard or how painful their birth was, it doesn't change the fact that they were all the best gifts we could have hoped for.

Happy Birthday, Vyanna!

My little peanut turned ONE on March 30th. Vyanna, you have grown and developed so much in the last year. You light up everything around you and are silly to the bone. In the last year you went from tiny newborn to independent toddler. You love to bug your sister and brother by pulling their hair, but also want to play along with them. You already like to tease and love to be tickled. You need cuddles sometimes, but want to do your own thing most of the time. You fit right in.

We were travelling on Vyanna's birthday, so I didn't have a chance to post anything. But we did stop at a gas station and buy a sorry looking piece of chocolate cake that was wrapped in plastic wrap. Vy took one little bite (lick) and that was all she was willing to subject herself to. She must have thought that it didn't measure up well to the birthday cakes she has seen me make the other kids. But I haven't made either one of their first birthday cakes - their Grandma Warkentin has done that. So to keep with tradition, she will make one for Vyanna when we celebrate her birthday here next weekend.

Vy got to spend her whole day in the van in a carseat. But she was a trooper. She did get frustrated, but we all do at the end of the second full day in a vehicle travelling back from Indiana. Easton sang Happy Birthday all day, whenever he remembered. And Cassia told the waitress at the restaurant where we ate lunch that it was Vyanna's birthday. They, all three, walked hand-in-hand through a gas station on one of our stops which melted my heart.